Sorrow

For those of you who dont know me or talk to me often will most likely not know what I have sorrow over. My husband and I have been struggling to have another child. It has been two years and nothing. We have started fertility and with the first month of insemination a fail I have to once again pick myself up and put a smile on my face and carry on.

Many people will say, "Oh you have two children you should be grateful for that." Let me put this out here I am eternally grateful for my two healthy children everyday I see them I am reminded of the constant love that surrounds me. With that being said it doesn't take away for the heartbreak of the child that I feel is missing from my heart. I know some may think how is it possible to have heartbreak for a child that never was but it is. I know it is not the same as a miscarriage because that is even closer to knowing a child was there in you and is no longer there.

I feel as if there is this sweet little spirit waiting to come into our home but the longer it goes with nothing happening, the further away I get from that feeling. It has been two years and nothing and I usually dont tend to be a quitter. However, I feel like my body and emotions can only handle so many pills, shots and let downs. So then I start to question myself am I really meant to have another one or am I just trying to force something that is not meant to be? With prayer and reflection I feel like I have gotten an answer that it is meant.

Then of course I get the when it is on the Lord's schedule. Yes, I agree with that too I know however that we need to use medical help to get there too. So, I dont want to push anything that is not in His plans but I do feel strongly that it is meant to happen some day. So, do I continue with the pills, shots and many doctor visits until something happens?

With all this sorrow it has shown me what joy can come. I truly feel the love of my Heavenly Father even in my darkest times I could feel is gracious love. I could feel His love through the hugs of my husband and children. I could feel His love through the my mom's voice on the other end of the phone. I could feel His love through the comfort of my friends smiles and occasional hugs. I could mostly feel His comfort knowing that I had this large support group praying for me and lifting me up. In my little existence in life I can say that I feel truly blessed to have so many people to lift me up.

As with my sorrow I also came to the realization that there are so many other people in this world that have it way worse than me. So, I am guessing when you start feeling bad for yourself maybe you should seek out others to serve even if it just to offer up prayers for those that you know are having a hard time. I could not think of a better way to serve others. Just this week alone I found out about a friends divorce and another's mom who is at this moment at the hospital undergoing breast cancer surgery.

Another thing that has brightened my spirit is knowing that I get to celebrate the Saviors birth. How lucky are we to live in a country that allows to worship freely. I am so grateful that I get the chance to know Him and strive to live by His example and deeds.

More to the kids

This picture was taken the night of Ross' school performance

Ross,

Here lately you have been lighten up my days. I have been struggling emotionally lately and your sweet spirit has lifted me up. One day we were leaving to go somewhere and as we were getting in the car instead of you getting in first you said, "After you my lady." I had to start laughing because you were so serious. So of course I had to get in the car before you.

Another thing that I enjoy is our little walks to the bus stop. We always have these great little Ross talks. Like this week we were walking you proceeded to say, " I have a job now Mom, so now I can get married!" You then went on, " Yeah so Skylar and I's job is to tell teachers when children aren't being safe." I then said, " So the teacher put you guys in charge of this?" Your answer was, "No, we made up this job." I then said, "Rossi this is not a job you shouldn't be telling on children."

I also love how you get so excited for things. Just this week we went to Chuck E Cheese and you said, " I am so excited I have bunnies in my stomach!" Instead of butterflies.

Another proud moment as your Mom is when you told me about how upset you were with your gym teacher for knocking over your cups. That is a whole different story. I contacted your teacher and he told me that he would talk to the gym teacher for me since the principle never called me back. After I went to the office to stress my concerns I got home for you telling me that you were no longer mad at your teacher. This was because you told me that you guys had a talk and made things better. I was so proud of you for being so big and expressing your feelings all by yourself without the help from me.

This week as I said was a hard week for me emotionally and the night I realized that once again I wasn't pregnant, you snuggled me on the couch. I held you in my arms and you feel asleep in my arms. Before you fell asleep you told me that even if we never had another baby that you would always be mine.

I love that for some reason whenever I am down you and your sister both know how to brighten my day.

I am truly grateful for the sweet boy that you are and that you were sent here to be my first born son. You are an amazing little guy.

To my precious Annie,

How much could a mother love her daughter? That can only be answered when you become a mother yourself to a little curly haired curl with as much spunk as you.

Everyday I spend with you brings more joy than the day before. It is the little moments that I cherish the most. I love watching you skip around with your little frizzy curls. I love to snuggle you at night as you are spent curled up in my arms, especially when you are sucking your "sucky fingers". I also love to watch you grow in knowledge, you can master any puzzle that is put in front of you. You also do an incredible job at coloring, you will spend the day coloring "softly" as you like to say.

One day this week we were walking out of the "library" a.k.a the recenter, there was music playing and you stopped in the middle of the parking lot to just shake your tush. I was cracking up because you were oblivious to all the workers outside of the center who were laughing at you. I love most of all how you march or should I say dance to your own beat.

The new thing in the house is tushy slapping in the house, you will jump at any moment to slap someone in the rear. This mostly started between you and your dad but has now turned to a family affair on most occasions. It actually brings a lot of laughter into the home.

Yesterday, I was telling you that you needed to clean up so Santa could bring you presents. You then said, "He doesn't have to leave me anything because I dont like to clean. You are only a day away from Santa visiting and your room still doesn't look that great but at least you tried.

You are also a night owl. I keep thinking that maybe naps should be ousted but they are such a benefit to me in the afternoon. However staying up until midnight is not okay either. What to do with you? That actually seems to be a topic of conversation between your father and I a lot. We know that you are cute and so do you. You use this to your advantage on a daily basis. This especially holds true when I am trying to get you to go to sleep and all you want to do is come out to give me one more kiss. How could I resist?

Anyway, my bright eyed girl I love you so much. You and your brother have made my dreams come true. You are everything I wanted in a girl and more. I love you so much my dear Angel May!

Love Mommy

Letters to my loving children

My dear children,

It has been awhile since I have written to you guys in your journals and I have realized that recording it this way might help me do it more frequently.

Rossi,

It has been such a crazy past couple of months, you have started kindergarten. To be honest your first day was a holy nightmare, your teacher was not a dream come true by any stretch of the imagination. I was so excited to get you all ready in your clothes of choice. You were truly excited to got to school in all your decked out Star Wars attire. I think you were all butterflies, one help was that Reid was put in the same class as you. However, that didn't last long which given the first impression of your teacher who could blame Katie for pulling him out. Needless to say your teacher was more like a rule enforcer and less of a teacher. To me it was the biggest let down for your very first day of school. To back track a little on the whole school thing, it was a Friday that they tested you on what you knew. You did an awesome job, the teacher could not believe that you never attend preschool. Because you did so well they put you in this K/1 split which explains the whole teacher thing. I just don't think she was designed to teach kindergartners . When we got into the room she never once acknowledged us parents in the room, she just got down to business and started telling everyone the rules. I left the room in despair I was so heart broken that I just left my baby with someone that I have never met. The follow weeks were pretty much the same, the only benefit is that I made friends with one of the mothers in the classroom. We used each other as supports to endure the huge disappointment of a teacher and experience that we were dreaming of.

As luck would have it the district decided to make a third kindergarten class which got you moved out of her room. This at the time was hard on you because regardless of my feelings of your teacher I kept my feelings to myself. You were happy with the teacher so I never said a word about her, you actually took the move to the new room hard. Thank Heavens your new teacher was incredible and made your transition easy. This is his is first year teaching so I am sure you guys will always hold a special place in his heart. I am thankful that you have him as a teacher he is very warm.

It is also wonderful to me to see your mind grow each and every week. I cannot stress to you how important and education is but trust me when I tell you that no one can ever take your education and knowledge from you. I just hope that you will always strive to do your best.

We had your teacher conference last week, you did very well. I got to listen to you read a book which made me one proud Mommy. You also got to share your journal entries with me. I loved the detailed drawings that you made and the story that went with it. When Mr. Carlson asked you where you got your ideas for all your pictures, you replied, "My brain!" While we are on your conference one thing you seemed to have as a strength was math. I would have to say that you get this from your daddy. He has such a bright mind.

You make us so proud, I think the thing that I am most proud of is you are a kind obedient boy. You were the first child in your classroom to get all ten hole punches for being a good example in following the rules of the classroom. This allowed you to get a choice from the class treasure chest. This is actually not a surprise to me, you have always been the type of child to walk the line.

There was a time when you were playing with your newly bought Legos and you realized that the age recommendation was ages 6 to 10. You said, " Oh no Mommy I am breaking the Lego Law."

I love you so much and thank my Heavenly Father every day that he has blessed me with you.

Love

Mom

To my little girl,

You brighten my day on a daily basis. I cannot believe that you are three years old. We have had quite an adjustment with your brother going to school. Everyday you will ask me, "Mommy, tomorrow are we going today?" Which means what are we doing tomorrow. Ever since your brother has gone to school we have kind of slowed down. We still do the split preschool which you love to go. We are actually working on reading, so I kinda think you may be reading by the time you got to school. I actually get excited to think that I get one more year with you before school. I treasure this time with you immensely, I enjoy the fact that on most days we have no where to go so we get to do puzzles, dress up and coloring together. One thing I enjoy the most is when we take the time to take naps with Daddy. I seriously love getting that time during the day to just take a nap with you sandwiched between us. On the other hand I actually like when I get that two hours a day when you are napping to get things done.

Have I told you how much I love your sweet personality and spunk all rolled into one? You have finally warmed up to not "haten kissin's" no more. Sometime I question rather you have come from the south when you pull out your southern charm. I also adore the fact that you will continue to say my name until I answer just to tell me that you love me.

So, last week I spent a whole day painting your new bed I swear it was a labor of love. I absolutely hate painting but you were convinced that you were going to have a purple bed. So, I knew I had to delivery and give you the bed of your dreams. I believe the thing that got me through it was having you by my side thanking me every five minutes for making your bed. It made it a lot more enjoyable. Kinda made me think back to my days as a child when I would sit and watch my dad do things.

Speaking of your gratitude you always make sure to thank me for things. For instance whenever I make a yummy dinner you will say, "Mommy, thank you for making me dinner." However, when I make something you don't like you are always not hungry anymore. Another fun is when you tell me that your stomach wants to eat that.

You are such a joy to be around and might I add a very girly girl at that. A couple of weeks ago you told me that you wanted boobs, I tried to smooth it over and tell you that you did. That did not work because you wanted big ones like mine. I just started to laugh while your brother said, "This is why I want a brother."

Anyway, my dear baby girl I will write more when you say something off the wall funny which happens daily so I hope this writing online will help me be more frequent.

I love you,

Mommy