Sorrow

For those of you who dont know me or talk to me often will most likely not know what I have sorrow over. My husband and I have been struggling to have another child. It has been two years and nothing. We have started fertility and with the first month of insemination a fail I have to once again pick myself up and put a smile on my face and carry on.

Many people will say, "Oh you have two children you should be grateful for that." Let me put this out here I am eternally grateful for my two healthy children everyday I see them I am reminded of the constant love that surrounds me. With that being said it doesn't take away for the heartbreak of the child that I feel is missing from my heart. I know some may think how is it possible to have heartbreak for a child that never was but it is. I know it is not the same as a miscarriage because that is even closer to knowing a child was there in you and is no longer there.

I feel as if there is this sweet little spirit waiting to come into our home but the longer it goes with nothing happening, the further away I get from that feeling. It has been two years and nothing and I usually dont tend to be a quitter. However, I feel like my body and emotions can only handle so many pills, shots and let downs. So then I start to question myself am I really meant to have another one or am I just trying to force something that is not meant to be? With prayer and reflection I feel like I have gotten an answer that it is meant.

Then of course I get the when it is on the Lord's schedule. Yes, I agree with that too I know however that we need to use medical help to get there too. So, I dont want to push anything that is not in His plans but I do feel strongly that it is meant to happen some day. So, do I continue with the pills, shots and many doctor visits until something happens?

With all this sorrow it has shown me what joy can come. I truly feel the love of my Heavenly Father even in my darkest times I could feel is gracious love. I could feel His love through the hugs of my husband and children. I could feel His love through the my mom's voice on the other end of the phone. I could feel His love through the comfort of my friends smiles and occasional hugs. I could mostly feel His comfort knowing that I had this large support group praying for me and lifting me up. In my little existence in life I can say that I feel truly blessed to have so many people to lift me up.

As with my sorrow I also came to the realization that there are so many other people in this world that have it way worse than me. So, I am guessing when you start feeling bad for yourself maybe you should seek out others to serve even if it just to offer up prayers for those that you know are having a hard time. I could not think of a better way to serve others. Just this week alone I found out about a friends divorce and another's mom who is at this moment at the hospital undergoing breast cancer surgery.

Another thing that has brightened my spirit is knowing that I get to celebrate the Saviors birth. How lucky are we to live in a country that allows to worship freely. I am so grateful that I get the chance to know Him and strive to live by His example and deeds.