Sorrow

For those of you who dont know me or talk to me often will most likely not know what I have sorrow over. My husband and I have been struggling to have another child. It has been two years and nothing. We have started fertility and with the first month of insemination a fail I have to once again pick myself up and put a smile on my face and carry on.

Many people will say, "Oh you have two children you should be grateful for that." Let me put this out here I am eternally grateful for my two healthy children everyday I see them I am reminded of the constant love that surrounds me. With that being said it doesn't take away for the heartbreak of the child that I feel is missing from my heart. I know some may think how is it possible to have heartbreak for a child that never was but it is. I know it is not the same as a miscarriage because that is even closer to knowing a child was there in you and is no longer there.

I feel as if there is this sweet little spirit waiting to come into our home but the longer it goes with nothing happening, the further away I get from that feeling. It has been two years and nothing and I usually dont tend to be a quitter. However, I feel like my body and emotions can only handle so many pills, shots and let downs. So then I start to question myself am I really meant to have another one or am I just trying to force something that is not meant to be? With prayer and reflection I feel like I have gotten an answer that it is meant.

Then of course I get the when it is on the Lord's schedule. Yes, I agree with that too I know however that we need to use medical help to get there too. So, I dont want to push anything that is not in His plans but I do feel strongly that it is meant to happen some day. So, do I continue with the pills, shots and many doctor visits until something happens?

With all this sorrow it has shown me what joy can come. I truly feel the love of my Heavenly Father even in my darkest times I could feel is gracious love. I could feel His love through the hugs of my husband and children. I could feel His love through the my mom's voice on the other end of the phone. I could feel His love through the comfort of my friends smiles and occasional hugs. I could mostly feel His comfort knowing that I had this large support group praying for me and lifting me up. In my little existence in life I can say that I feel truly blessed to have so many people to lift me up.

As with my sorrow I also came to the realization that there are so many other people in this world that have it way worse than me. So, I am guessing when you start feeling bad for yourself maybe you should seek out others to serve even if it just to offer up prayers for those that you know are having a hard time. I could not think of a better way to serve others. Just this week alone I found out about a friends divorce and another's mom who is at this moment at the hospital undergoing breast cancer surgery.

Another thing that has brightened my spirit is knowing that I get to celebrate the Saviors birth. How lucky are we to live in a country that allows to worship freely. I am so grateful that I get the chance to know Him and strive to live by His example and deeds.

More to the kids

This picture was taken the night of Ross' school performance

Ross,

Here lately you have been lighten up my days. I have been struggling emotionally lately and your sweet spirit has lifted me up. One day we were leaving to go somewhere and as we were getting in the car instead of you getting in first you said, "After you my lady." I had to start laughing because you were so serious. So of course I had to get in the car before you.

Another thing that I enjoy is our little walks to the bus stop. We always have these great little Ross talks. Like this week we were walking you proceeded to say, " I have a job now Mom, so now I can get married!" You then went on, " Yeah so Skylar and I's job is to tell teachers when children aren't being safe." I then said, " So the teacher put you guys in charge of this?" Your answer was, "No, we made up this job." I then said, "Rossi this is not a job you shouldn't be telling on children."

I also love how you get so excited for things. Just this week we went to Chuck E Cheese and you said, " I am so excited I have bunnies in my stomach!" Instead of butterflies.

Another proud moment as your Mom is when you told me about how upset you were with your gym teacher for knocking over your cups. That is a whole different story. I contacted your teacher and he told me that he would talk to the gym teacher for me since the principle never called me back. After I went to the office to stress my concerns I got home for you telling me that you were no longer mad at your teacher. This was because you told me that you guys had a talk and made things better. I was so proud of you for being so big and expressing your feelings all by yourself without the help from me.

This week as I said was a hard week for me emotionally and the night I realized that once again I wasn't pregnant, you snuggled me on the couch. I held you in my arms and you feel asleep in my arms. Before you fell asleep you told me that even if we never had another baby that you would always be mine.

I love that for some reason whenever I am down you and your sister both know how to brighten my day.

I am truly grateful for the sweet boy that you are and that you were sent here to be my first born son. You are an amazing little guy.

To my precious Annie,

How much could a mother love her daughter? That can only be answered when you become a mother yourself to a little curly haired curl with as much spunk as you.

Everyday I spend with you brings more joy than the day before. It is the little moments that I cherish the most. I love watching you skip around with your little frizzy curls. I love to snuggle you at night as you are spent curled up in my arms, especially when you are sucking your "sucky fingers". I also love to watch you grow in knowledge, you can master any puzzle that is put in front of you. You also do an incredible job at coloring, you will spend the day coloring "softly" as you like to say.

One day this week we were walking out of the "library" a.k.a the recenter, there was music playing and you stopped in the middle of the parking lot to just shake your tush. I was cracking up because you were oblivious to all the workers outside of the center who were laughing at you. I love most of all how you march or should I say dance to your own beat.

The new thing in the house is tushy slapping in the house, you will jump at any moment to slap someone in the rear. This mostly started between you and your dad but has now turned to a family affair on most occasions. It actually brings a lot of laughter into the home.

Yesterday, I was telling you that you needed to clean up so Santa could bring you presents. You then said, "He doesn't have to leave me anything because I dont like to clean. You are only a day away from Santa visiting and your room still doesn't look that great but at least you tried.

You are also a night owl. I keep thinking that maybe naps should be ousted but they are such a benefit to me in the afternoon. However staying up until midnight is not okay either. What to do with you? That actually seems to be a topic of conversation between your father and I a lot. We know that you are cute and so do you. You use this to your advantage on a daily basis. This especially holds true when I am trying to get you to go to sleep and all you want to do is come out to give me one more kiss. How could I resist?

Anyway, my bright eyed girl I love you so much. You and your brother have made my dreams come true. You are everything I wanted in a girl and more. I love you so much my dear Angel May!

Love Mommy