Someday

Have you ever felt like you need to write down your feelings just to find peace? So here I go, today was a hard dish of reality. My reality is that the likeness of me having another child is not going to happened. I dont think I have ever cried so hard in my life. How is it one day you feel so much hope and excitement just for the following day to have it crushed by disappointment? It seemed like everything was lining up in my favor and all I need was this one thing to make it happen and nothing. I have felt my heart shatter in a million pieces today. I feel like I need to just write a letter to that little spirit that I know is not coming to me.

To my little spirit

You have no idea how badly I want you in my life. I have dreamed of you and saw you with your brother and sister. I have imagined the joy I would find again with you growing inside of me, the joy that would come by those first flutters to let me know you were there. Picturing what you would look like what you would sound like. To see if you would come out with your siblings same sweet disposition. You are loved dearly even though you never really were but the thought of you is enough to love you. But I am sorry that I cannot give you the body you so badly desire. I feel like I am fighting the losing battle here. I keep telling myself it only takes one of each to make you but for some reason it is not happening. I cannot continue with this heart break, it is killing me inside. However, I have to face the facts and know that this is just not in the cards for me. I still hope for you and pray for you to come into my life. I will not give up but I know I need to take a break for a season. Until we meet, know I love you and I cannot wait to be your mother.

To another month

So, to my surprise I went in for a follicle check at day 10 and I have one egg measuring at 21. So, tomorrow is the day!!! This actually surprised me immensely because it seems so early to ovulate on day 11. I also see a great blessing of following the promptings of the Holy Ghost. When I was scheduling to have the follicle scan the nurse said that my doctor would not be in on Thursday but would be in on Friday. At first I said yes I would like to do it on Friday then I had this strong impression to do it on Thursday instead. Man am I glad that I listened. My visit at the office went well today they gave me my shot today and I am feeling great. I came home and told my husband to rest as much as he needed today because I am really counting on him tomorrow.

Now on to how I am feeling emotionally. Yes, I am excited but not getting my hopes up to much. I have learned to look at it this way, insemination is only bettering my chances. I feel like without insemination it is a lost cause. I wont lie though I have been brain storming names today. If it is a boy I know without a doubt he would be Pierce Charles Edward. Wow, seeing that written out looks so royal ha ha ha. The girl name is a toss up I like Matilda (Tilley) for short or Adeline/Adalyn (Addey) for short. I am doing the "ey" spelling so she could have a tie to my name since I spell my name different. Anyway, I actually am being pulled more to the thought that if it does happen it will be a boy. Even though at this rate I will be happy with whom ever comes.

So, prayers are always welcomed even though hardly anyone reads this, I know I will be saying plenty from here to tomorrow afternoon.

Welcome Old Man Winter

As A child growing I up I looked forward to every drop of snow we got. I think for the most part is was because I was blessed to have an awesome sledding hill at my childhood home. In addition to the hill I grew up in the country were snow drifts would be 5 feet tall. The memories for me are fresh in my mind. We would spend the day digging in the drifts making forts and making ramps on the hill. I am now happy to have children of my own to make memories of one of the best seasons. I know I might sound weird but I love all things snow. I still get to take my children to my childhood home where my parents still live. Even though I live in the city now the kids and I are still making memories. They enjoying jumping on the trampoline with the snow piled up and who doesn't love diving into the snow to make snow angles? So, I am happy to say welcome to Old Man Winter. Oh and another positive is getting great pictures of the kiddos in the pure white background.

Resolutions

As the year 2011 came to an end I almost had this sense of guilt come over me. I could see my lack of motivation fall to the wayside. I believe this in part is do to my desire for another child. All I could think about was this little baby that I wanted. I would sit and google baby names and their meanings, write them out on scrap pieces of paper. While letting all my motivation go and the addition to drugs that made my hormones go crazy I gained a significant amount of weight. I could not believe how good I looked when I did the half marathon in May 2010. Now I am back to the same Abbey before I started to train. 2011 allowed for many fun memories of course most all of them included my children. I enjoyed my last moments at home with Rossi before sending him off to school. Annie grew into more of a firecracker and I am enjoying every moment with her. So, with this little brief or background on my feelings about 2011 I would like to state my goals for the 2012 year.

For the year of 2012, I am going to turn my thoughts closer to the Lord putting my trust in Him. I am still going to continue to do fertility treatments but I am not going to let it control my every moment. I will know regardless of the outcome that it is His will and not mine. I will pray daily for strength to get me through this test in my life. While this is one of my focuses I know that I need to be HOME more. I also realized that in 2011 instead of being home doing the things that I needed to do to "keep" my home I would run the other way. I spent the last day of the year getting my house clean so I could start with a clean slate for the 2012 year. My biggest example of a clean home was my friend Katie. She always seems to have this great schedule and every time I see her house it is most always kept. So, maybe the underlining solution for me is to have better time management. So now I am going to list the things I feel need to be included in a daily schedule: 1. morning personal prayer 2. scripture study 3. morning prayer with the family 4. exercise 5. shower 6. one on one time with each child 7. 20 minutes a day to spend with my husband 8. 1 hour of house work 9. personal time for myself which means start reading again 10. Have better quality dinners, with this being said make out dinner menus like I use to do. 11. Have evening prayers with my family plus scriptures time. 12. Have my bedtime prayers

13. get at least 8 hours of sleep. No more staying up being stagnant on FACEBOOK when I can be sleeping. 14. Write down at least one thing you loved about each child for the day.

There it is, I am not setting goals to lose weight but I am wanting to get into a better mental state. So, I think if I can do this other things should fall into place.

Here's to a new year and starting over.