Someday

Have you ever felt like you need to write down your feelings just to find peace? So here I go, today was a hard dish of reality. My reality is that the likeness of me having another child is not going to happened. I dont think I have ever cried so hard in my life. How is it one day you feel so much hope and excitement just for the following day to have it crushed by disappointment? It seemed like everything was lining up in my favor and all I need was this one thing to make it happen and nothing. I have felt my heart shatter in a million pieces today. I feel like I need to just write a letter to that little spirit that I know is not coming to me.

To my little spirit

You have no idea how badly I want you in my life. I have dreamed of you and saw you with your brother and sister. I have imagined the joy I would find again with you growing inside of me, the joy that would come by those first flutters to let me know you were there. Picturing what you would look like what you would sound like. To see if you would come out with your siblings same sweet disposition. You are loved dearly even though you never really were but the thought of you is enough to love you. But I am sorry that I cannot give you the body you so badly desire. I feel like I am fighting the losing battle here. I keep telling myself it only takes one of each to make you but for some reason it is not happening. I cannot continue with this heart break, it is killing me inside. However, I have to face the facts and know that this is just not in the cards for me. I still hope for you and pray for you to come into my life. I will not give up but I know I need to take a break for a season. Until we meet, know I love you and I cannot wait to be your mother.